


Grey

by Zeus_tfc



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23446855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeus_tfc/pseuds/Zeus_tfc
Summary: In an instant everything can change. One wrong move, and you can find yourself in a world where color is gone, and there is only Grey. How will the Titans recover when such a thing happens to Raven? How will they deal with what took her place?
Relationships: Robin/Raven
Kudos: 24





	Grey

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning; this is one of the shamiest of old shames. It's one of the first stories I'd ever written, and while parts of it hold up, I don't think it's aged as well as "I Can't Fall in Love"
> 
> Regardless, I still think there's something there, buried in the crap. I hope you can find it.

“Titans, Go!”

These words had been said so many times before, and this time seemed no different.

The teens launched themselves at the H.I.V.E Five, doing the dance of violence; the dance of battle. Down the street, through the city they danced. The battle raged on, and the trail behind them was littered with smashed cars, street lamps pulled from the ground, and scars defacing buildings of shops, restaurants, and banks. Banks....

The front of a bank exploded in the midst of the fight, alarms unheard in the chaos, and Cinderblock emerged from the wrecked entrance. One more figure in the melee would normally make little impact to the greater battle, but the unexpected figure’s timing was impeccable.

CRACK! Robin landed a blow to Mammoth which sent the large villain reeling. He allowed himself a moment to survey the combat, to guide his team if needed. All seemed to be well. The team was winning surely if somewhat slowly today. Cyborg and Gizmo were revisiting their grudge match, as were Raven and Jinx, despite Robin’s warnings that the pair-ups were in neither of their interests. Oddly, no one seemed to be handling Cinderblock.

Wait, Cinderblock?

There was Cinderblock, looking as dazed as it’s concrete face would allow it, standing untouched in the tumult.

Unmoving, at least for now, but there was Raven and Jinx.

“Raven!” Robin cried, “Behind you! Cinderblock! Raven! RAVEN!”

So focused was the dark empath on her foe, that she either did not hear her leader’s pleadings, or did not have time to respond before it was too late to matter.

The gravel golem reached out, not so much grabbing or punching as swatting, and smashed the Titan’s head into the pavement. Grabbing her legs, he flung the teen head first into the side of the bank before whipping her back into the pavement. The cement Goliath, seeing no movement, turned to find it’s next victim.

Robin was so shocked by the violence heaped upon his teammate that he barely registered the return hit from Mammoth which sent him flying. Break-falling/rolling he returned to his feet and completely ignored Mammoth and sprinted to his fallen friend.

“Titans!” he yelled “To Raven, she’s hurt!”

Shock ran through the team, as Robin’s cry registered. As quickly as the shock receded, rage took its place. Fury at their comrade's injury filled them with new energy. Filled with new resolve, the team, fueled with berserker-like insanity, swept through their foes.

Robin knelt in the wreckage, peering down on his fallen companion. She wasn’t moving.

“It looks bad. We need to get her to a hospital. Cyborg; car. Beastboy; Phone. Let ‘em know we’re coming. Starfire...” Robin’s voice finally broke with the strain of holding his emotions. He dropped to a whisper. “Please, help me carry her. She’s in bad shape.”

The last word was followed by a barely contained sob. Starfire’s eyes were brimmed with tears, but her face was resolute, jaw set in determination. Screeching tires heralded Cyborg’s return, and Robin and Starfire gingerly lifted the wounded teen into the car.

Worry defined the Titans’ faces as they sped to Jump General Hospital. No words were spoken, but exchanged glances confirmed everyone’s thoughts were the same. ‘How could this happen?’ they said. ‘We are the Titans. We’ve never failed. How could this happen?’

The car pulled up to the hospital, and EMS workers efficiently loaded Raven onto a gurney and whisked her away into the bowels of the ER.

The teens camped in the waiting room. Mindless sitcoms played on the TVs, which did nothing to distract them from the horrors they were experiencing. Chairs, which at first seemed comfortable, lost any semblance as the hours dragged on. Adding to the discomfort was the fact that they were in a semi-public place, and not really able to fully let their guard down. They still had to mind their behavior in the face of other people, each with their own worries and problems, passed in and out of the waiting area. Of particular concern was Robin, who didn’t so much pace, as prowl the waiting room like a caged tiger. The look on his face spoke clearly that he would like nothing more than to tear down the walls in frustration.

After an eternity of waiting, a lab-coated woman entered the room.

“Ms. Titan?” she asked. “Here for Ms. Raven Titan?”

Robin’s eyes squeezed shut, and his fists clenched, before walking over.

“I’m Robin,” he said.

“Ah, Mr. Robin Titan,” she said looking at her clipboard. “ Please, come with me.” With that, she turned and walked out of the room.

Robin waved to his friends to remain before following after her. They walked into an office, where the woman sat behind a solid looking desk.

“Please, Mr. Titan, have a seat. Is Raven your sister? You look rather young to be married.” the woman smiled at Robin.

“No, we’re not related. Can we please get to the point?” Robin asked.

The woman sighed.

“I’m Doctor Sydney. Your friend Raven is stable, and in no immediate danger. She is, however, in a coma.”

She paused and took a breath.

“She suffered significant head trauma, and there is a high probability of permanent damage to the brain. We’ve run an MRI, and noted areas of concern. We won’t really know the full effect partly until the swelling goes down, and she begins to heal, but mostly by what happens when she wakes.”

The doctor paused again.

“Physically she will be fine. There were substantial injuries, but we’ve managed to prevent anything from becoming life-threatening. She’s a strong young woman, and I expect her to pull through marvelously.”

Robin’s face was an unreadable mask.

“Do you know when she’ll wake up?” he asked.

“It could be this evening, it could be tomorrow, or it could be next week. There’s no way of knowing.”

“And we won’t know the full effect on her until she wakes,” Robin confirmed. “Is there anything else I should know?”

“No, you are correct.” she replied.

“May my friends and I see her?” he asked, his voice quiet.

“Yes, of course. But please, only two people in the room at a time.”

Robin nodded and left to see his friends and teammates.  
He entered the waiting room and faced his friends. They gathered close, worried expressions on their faces.

“She’s in a coma, but otherwise safe. She’s going to heal. They don’t know when she’ll wake, though, and there’s been some brain damage.” He choked back a sob on the last word.  
He closed his eyes and steadied himself.

“I haven’t seen her yet, but they said we could visit her. Only two at a time, though. I’d like to go in first, and...” He paused and looked around at his friends. “Beast Boy. You want to come with me?”

The green Titan started.

“Huh? Me?” he asked.

“You don’t want to go?” Robin asked.

“Of course I do… but…”

“Then let’s go,” Robin said, taking off down the hallway.

“So what gives?” Beast Boy asked, catching up. “Why are you bringing the screw-up in first? Are you trying to get me to trip over a plug or something? Is she that bad?”

“OK, first, that’s not funny. Second? You’re not a screw-up. You have a lot of talent. Third: I thought you’d appreciate going in first. I thought you two had a ‘special’ relationship.” Robin said.

“Dude, what?” Beast Boy exclaimed.

“You know… Since you two stopped squabbling all the time, you’d gotten pretty close. I thought you had come to an understanding of sorts. I cool with it.” Robin said.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. It’s not like that!” Beast Boy said. “Yeah, we kinda made peace with each other, but it didn’t go further. We’re friends. Good friends, even, but we’ll never be more than that.”

“Do you want to be?” Robin asked. “I’m not trying to pry into your personal life, I’m just concerned about the team, and I’m telling you that I’m not stopping you. I’m cool with it. After all; with me and Starfire doing the ‘on again, off again’ thing, I can’t blame you.”

“No, it ain’t gonna happen. Speaking of prying into private lives, how are you and Star?” Beast Boy asked

Robin paused in front of a door and sighed.

“We’re off again. Maybe we’re better off as friends too. Anyway, are you ready?” he asked.

The green Titan nodded resolutely, and Robin pushed the door open.

The room was dim, and there was a stillness that the humming and beeping equipment couldn’t quite dispel. There, in the middle of the room, lay Raven, looking far too small and frail in the large hospital bed. Her normally pale complexion was exacerbated by her condition, making her look corpse-like.

“She looks awful,” Beast Boy whispered.

Robin said nothing, but couldn’t help but agree. He walked over to the side of the bed, and picked up her hand, holding it lightly in his own. It was cool and limp.

Beast Boy walked up next to him, placing a hand on Raven’s shoulder.

“It’ll be OK, Raven. We’re going to get through this.”

The lie turned Robin’s stomach. Nothing was going to be OK. He’d failed his team, and the damage to Raven would never be undone. He’d failed them; failed her. They’d played at being superheroes, and had done well at it, but it had gotten too easy, too fun. They’d lost their edge. They’d lost sight of the bitterly awful reality that this wasn’t a game. There were no do-overs, and no respawn points.

And now Raven might never recover.

Robin felt tears ready to burst forth. Everything; the way she looked, the way she felt, the stillness of the room which gave it the feel of a mausoleum, everything reminded him of death.  
He dropped Raven’s hand, and lurched toward the door. He pushed against the door, and in the sound of it swinging open he swore he heard the gasp of a crowd. In his spinning head, he felt the sensation of falling.

Outside the room he leaned against the wall. Nurses walked by; there was pity in their eyes. It was a well worn pity, in eyes that said ‘yet another lost loved one’.  
Unable to take it anymore, and uncertain he could hold himself together any longer, he took off down the hallway back to the waiting room. He walked up to his waiting friends.

“Next,” he croaked. “Cyborg?”

“Robin,” Starfire began, eyes worried.

He couldn’t look at her. He waved her away, and hurried to the nearest restroom, eyes bleary. He shouldered his way in. He was in luck; it was a single-person restroom. He locked the door behind him, and swatted the lights off. He didn’t want to see himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to see anything.

He stumbled over to the toilet and sat. Finally the tears broke forth. He sobbed. Nothing could stop the tears now. His body wracked with his sobs. He couldn’t stop. Nothing could stop the crying. Nothing could cover his failure.

The tears flowed, but through it all he made no sound.

He just sat there crying silently.

Alone.

In the dark.

“Titans, Go!”

The words were the same, as was the intent, but the results were far different.

There was a slowness to their combat now, a cautiousness, a desperation. There was a cohesiveness, as the team watched each other’s backs, but they fought like they were wounded, nursing an arm, or an ankle. 

Silently, to themselves, the authorities welcomed this new ponderance to their fighting, as it resulted in less damage to the city, but gone was the daring, the flare, the élan.

The battle wrapped up as the last enemy crumpled to the ground.

“Hmph” grunted Robin. The sound was borderline scornful. There were no wisecracks or jokes or jabs, just disregard for a fallen foe. He turned his back and walked away without a word.  
“Titans, move out.”

Back at the tower, there was no celebration. People went back to whatever they were doing before some villain decided to so rudely interrupt them.

Robin nodded solemnly to Starfire as he passed on his way back to his room. She nodded back. Her face seemed eternally set now, a determined expression etched in granite. It was a face that promised that she would go to any lengths or do whatever it took to get the job done. It was a warrior’s face.

Robin hated that face. It was a face that reminded him of the innocence lost the day he failed to protect his team. The first time Robin saw that face, he knew Starfire and he would never be an item again. She was a warrior princess, and every victory, every tragedy made those aspects of her more defined, like a sculptor chipping a statue out of marble.

Robin was.... He wasn’t sure what he was. He was happy being Robin, but there was a side of him that wanted a ‘normal’ life. It was an odd feeling, odder still considering his childhood. Circus life was nowhere near the generally accepted norm.

Regardless of which path he chose, being Robin or being Dick, Starfire’s and his futures were on divergent paths. The realization depressed Robin, but he was glad he’d had it before they tried to commit to each other more deeply. Robin suspected Starfire felt it on some level too.

A phone rang. Robin didn’t bother hesitating, he merely continued on to his room. He was tired. Bone tired, as they called it. He wanted nothing more than to throw himself on his bed and forget the world. It had been the same story ever since….

In increasingly rare moments of lucidity, Robin supposed he was depressed. It hardly seemed to matter. Very little seemed to matter, in fact. Just get the work done, complete the mission, finish the job. Only that mattered anymore.

“Titan Tower, Beast Boy speaking.” Robin heard as he neared his door. The rest of the conversation droned into unintelligibility. He opened the door. Just a few more steps before oblivion.

“ROBIN! GUYS!” he heard Beast Boy cry. “It’s Raven! She’s awake!

For the first time in forever the hospital didn’t fill Robin with foreboding. He was actually smiling as he approached the doors. He’d almost forgotten what smiling felt like. He felt almost buoyant as he neared the nurses’ desk.

“We’re here to see Raven,” Robin told the nurse.

“Hmmm... Raven... Raven... Oh! You mean Ms. Titan!” the nurse said.

Robin heard a snicker from Beast Boy. It was a measure of how much better everyone was feeling with the news of Raven’s recovery. It was the first time he’d laughed at that.

“Doctor Sydney would like to speak with you before you see her. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Robin asked. Various worst cases flashed through his mind.

“The doctor will have to speak with you about it.” was all the nurse would say.

The team waited nervously in the Doctor’s office. When she walked in, the team members all looked up expectantly.

“Thank you for all coming here,” the doctor said. “I wanted to talk with you about your friend Raven before you saw her. I don’t know her like you do. I need your help in evaluating what potential... aftereffects her injury might have on her. Of particular concern is that she does not appear to be very... emotive.”

Beast Boy gave a quizzical look, causing Robin to chuckle. Tension left his shoulders as his worries eased.

“Raven always controlled her emotions very tightly,” he said.

“Hmmm. Interesting.” the doctor replied. “Also, she’s been speaking in a monotone since she woke.”

“Heh,” Beast Boy laughed. “That’s our Raven.”

“Well, you’re the ones who know her best. I need your help in identifying anything odd about her. Why don’t we go see her now?”

The Titans nodded vigorously.

“Raven, you have visitors,” the doctor said once they reached her room. The teens surged in and surrounded her bed.

“Raven!” Cyborg started off.

“Friend Raven, I’m so happy you are well!” Starfire squealed.

“Good to see you awake, Rae,” Beast Boy said.

“How are you, Raven?” Robin got in finally.

Raven looked at them, face expressionless.

“I’m fine,” she said.

Robin recoiled, horrified at the sound. This was beyond her usual monotone. Her voice was dead, flat.

“Raven... are... are you OK?” Robin asked again.

“I’m fine,” she said again. Her expression did not change. Robin looked into her eyes, and saw only a dull flatness.

Robin looked around at his friends. Their eyes reflected the surprise and worry he himself felt.

“Uh, OK. I’m gonna go talk to the Doc a minute. Hopefully you’ll be able to come home soon,” he said.

She looked at him with that horrible blank expression, but said nothing.

Robin motioned to the doctor and walked out of the room.

“When you said she wasn’t very ‘emotive’ I didn’t expect this!” he said. “She’s like a robot! It’s like she doesn’t feel anything at all!”

“That may be more true than you think,” Doctor Sydney said. “The brain is one of the things we understand least. Damage to the brain can often have unusual or unforeseen effects. Here...” she pulled a card out of her pocket. “This is the neurologist who’s been seeing her. I expect that after a few days of observation she’ll be allowed to go home, but you will want to speak with Dr. Bal. He’s very good, and he can tell you more than I can.

Robin looked at the card. Dr. Bal was actually Dr. Mohammed Balasubramanium, neurologist, researcher and PhD.

“Go on and talk with your friend,” Dr Sydney said. “Try not to worry about everything else just yet.”

The doctor turned and walked away. Robin squared his shoulders and went in to see his friend.

The eyes of his teammates had not lost their worried expression.

“So, Raven, how are you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” she said.

“We were really worried about ya.” Beast boy said.

Yeah, you’ve been in a coma for a while.” Cyborg added. “It’s nice to see you awake. D’ya need anything?”

“No.”

Robin sighed. The subtle approach wasn’t working. He needed to be direct. It was probably just as well. Raven hated when people pussyfooted around issues with her. He walked up to her and took her hand. It was cool, and she offered no resistance. Her hand was limp.

“Raven. I’m concerned about you. I know you control your emotions tightly, but right now it looks like you have none at all. Are you OK?”

Her head cocked to the side slightly as she pondered his words.

“I... don’t... feel anything.” she said at last. “I feel strangely numb.”

Starfire and Beast Boy gave a gasp.

“You’re an empath. Can you still use your abilities?”

Wordlessly, she surrounded herself with the black aura which accompanied her gathered power. 

“My magic seems intact. In fact,” she paused, reaching out her hand, “my control is the best it’s ever been.”

Items from a tray off in the corner took turns leaping to her hand. As quickly as they reached her, they jumped back to their initial resting place. Back and forth the objects few, quickly and efficiently. It was like a juggling act.

“My power might not be at quite the same level,” she said, “but my control more than makes up for it. I think I can do things now I’ve never dreamt of. I can control objects with much finer accuracy, as well as pinpointing smaller things to control.”

She frowned slightly. It was the closest thing to an emotion Robin had seen from her.

“I don’t seem to be sensing emotions from anyone. There’s just a blank where that feeling used to be.”

“Well, I’m sure with some time to recuperate things will go back to normal.” Robin said.

“Yeah, you’ll be back to whacking crooks in no time!” Beast Boy enthused.

“Perhaps,” she said. “But maybe it’s better if things don’t go back to normal.”

“What are you sayin’ Rae?” Cyborg piped up. “Don’t you wanna come back with us.”

“I only mean that while my emotions seem deadened I have better control over myself and my magic. I’m less of a danger to people now. There’s no risk of my fear or anger going out of control and hurting anyone.”

“Don’t say that, friend Raven!” Starfire exclaimed, eyes brimming with tears. “Emotions help make you who you are! You are not yourself without them.”

“Perhaps not,” Raven replied, “but I might now be someone better.”

“Dr. Bal?” Robin asked.

“Ah, yes. You must be Mr. Robin; here to talk about your friend Raven.” the small mustachioed man said.

“Yes, but it’s just ‘Robin’. What can you tell me about her condition? Robin asked.

The doctor indicated a seat for Robin and walking around his desk to take his own.

“She is exhibiting apathy, or a distinct lack of emotion,” the doctor began, leaning forward on his elbows. “She suffered damage to her frontal lobe, which controls emotion and personality. The difficulty is in determining if the lack of emotion is directly caused by the damage, or if it is a coping mechanism. Often the answer is ‘both’. Whether the damage will heal? We think of the brain as more plastic rather than elastic. We think of elastic and think ‘stretchy’, but scientifically elastic more means ‘returns to shape’ where if you try to change it, it snaps back. Plastic is the opposite; once you change it, it stays changed. This is how we see the brain. However, we underestimate the brain’s ability to change and heal itself. The brain has been known to ‘rewire’ itself, and use other portions of itself to circumvent damage.”

The doctor sat back in his chair.

“The real question; ‘Will Raven get better,’ this I cannot answer definitively. The only answer I can give you is ‘Time will tell.’”

Robin scowled.

“This is never the answer people want to hear, but it is too often the only one I can give. The brain is marvelous and mysterious. It may heal itself, it may not. If she does not recover on her own, there may be alternatives, but they are unilaterally experimental.”

He was right; Robin didn’t like the answer, but he understood it was an honest one.

“Thank you for your time, doctor.” he said.

“You are most welcome. Note please, that the best thing you can do for your friend right now is take her home, put her in familiar surroundings, and do familiar things with her. That, right now, is better than any medicine I can give you.”

Robin nodded to the doctor, and left.

All the cards and whatever flowers had survived were gathered. There were card from all different people. Their friends from Titans East sent several cards, as did several league members. The most surprising card came from Jinx of all people. Raven was dressed and ready to leave. Robin and Starfire gathered the last few things into their arms, and looked to Raven.

“Ready to go?” Robin asked.

She nodded silently. Robin signaled Starfire to start out before them. When she left the room, Robin turned to Raven.

“Raven, I... I wanted to apologize.” he said.

Raven looked at him but said nothing.

“I feel responsible for what happened to you. I failed you. I failed the team. I feel terrible for letting this happen, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough.”

Raven looked at him with dead eyes.

“You did fail,” she said.

Robin cringed as though her words struck him.

“You failed to foresee the possibilities of the battle, and you failed to protect your team.” She continued implacably. “I don’t blame you. You aren’t omniscience, you’re human. Humans make mistakes. I failed too. I failed to maintain awareness of my surroundings in battle. I am just as much to blame as you are. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Robin. Just hope that next time you fail, you are as lucky, and nobody dies.”

With those cruel words, she turned and left the hospital room. Robin stared at her as she left, mouth agape, horrified, and stomach churning.

Outside the hospital, Cyborg and Beast Boy were waiting in the car. The trip home was quiet, with Raven barely speaking.

“SURPRISE!” people yelled as they entered the tower. The main room was decorated with balloons, streamers, and banners bearing ‘Welcome home Raven’. A crowd of people swarmed around the returning Titan.

“Welcome home, Raven!” Speedy said, clapping her on the back.

“Glad you’re feeling better,” Bumblebee added.

“Oi, Raven! Raven, Oi!” Más y Menos cried over top each other, vying for her attention.

A variety of others surged around her, adding their greetings to the tumult. When everyone had had their say, the party began in earnest. Music and conversation competed in volume, and those that weren’t adding to the din were busy stuffing themselves on the variety of food available.

Robin looked around the room. Finally he spied Raven sitting off by herself, drink held loosely in her hand. She looked as though she wasn’t really aware of where she was. She wasn’t looking at anything in particular, but was staring off into space. It was probably just as well, Robin decided. Everyone nearby was doing their best to avoid her gaze. Her eyes maintained the flat dead stare she had since waking.

Robin set his shoulders and walked over.

“I know you’re not a party person, but we had to celebrate you coming home,” he said.

Raven didn’t respond.

“Raven? Are you OK?” Robin asked worryingly.

She turned and looked at him. He resisted the urge to shrink from that dead stare.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine. All these people came to see you, and you’re just sitting here staring off into space. Get up, talk, mingle, try to have fun!”

“I’m fine here,” she said woodenly.

Robin scowled at her for a moment, turned and walked away. He looked back at her for a moment. Normalcy. That was what she needed. She needed her friends around her, and the normal daily routine. With normalcy and time, she would get better. She would. She had to.

“Titans, Go!” Robin cried ,voice echoing in the warehouse. The battle began.

And almost immediately, it was over.

Raven, using her new-found control to great effect, flung every conceivable object in reach at the foe. Boxes, bricks, a broom, rusty pipes, and every other loose object was fired at bullet speed, and pinpoint accuracy, pelting the enemy from every direction. Though most of the missiles were not heavy enough to inflict real harm (though the sound of the bricks impacting made Robin wince in sympathy), the constant onslaught was enough to reduce the poor crook to a gibbering heap, as the others looked on in awe.

“Raven,” Robin said. “Raven. Raven! That’s enough!”

The bruised and battered criminal was cowering from the abuse, and still more objects came.

“RAVEN! ENOUGH!” Robin shouted. “I think he surrenders.”

Finally the hail storm subsided. The sound of the petty crook whimpering could be heard under a pile of debris.

“Geez, Rae. Overkill much?” Beast Boy needled.

Raven said nothing, and turned to walk back to the car. The remaining Titans exchanged worried looks amongst themselves.

After almost a month there had been little if any change in Raven, and the Titans were having trouble dealing with this shell that wore their friend’s guise. Wordlessly they followed the dark teen to the car.

Back at the tower, Raven, still silent, went back to her room. The others mingled around the living room and waited for her to be out of earshot. There was no celebration of victory, no cheering and no laughter. Though laughter had been extant since Raven’s return, it was more forced than it once was.

“I suppose I can call Dr. Bal again,” Robin started. “He said there’s nothing they can really do, but if he knows how bad it is, maybe....”

“Y’know, Rob, there’s probably someone else who can fix this,” Cyborg said.

“Friend Cyborg, that’s wonderful news!” Starfire squealed.

“Dude, why didn’t you say so sooner? Who is it?” Beast Boy 

“Raven,” Cyborg said. “She’s healed herself before with her magic, and she’s helped us heal too. If she does one of her healing trance thingys, she could probably heal the injury. The problem is, she has to want to.”

“Whaddya mean?” Beast Boy asked. “Why wouldn’t she want to?”

“She thinks she’s better this way. She said so in the hospital. Her magic is more in control, her emotions aren’t going to run amok and hurt someone, and Trigon can’t use her as a channel this way. She’s safer to be around,” Robin said. “I see what you mean, Cy.”

The large metal man nodded grimly. Robin frowned and brought his hand to his mouth, eyes closed, and standing in a pondering pose.

“I’ll speak with her tomorrow and feel her out,” he said.

Beast boy chuckled, and got a gentle smack in the back of the head from Cyborg.

“He said feel her out, not up, doofus,” he said tiredly. Beast Boy shrugged, unrepentant. There was far too little laughter of late in his opinion, the shrug said.  
The teens exchanged glances once again, and by mutual consent adjourned until Robin and Raven had their chat.

The next morning, Robin showed up at Raven's door, cup of tea in hand.

"Raven, it's Robin. Can I come in? Raven?"

The door opened. Robin peered into the gloom, looking for some sign of life. Cautiously, he took a step into the room.

"Raven?" he asked. "Are you in here?"

"Yes." came a voice from the darkness.

As his eyes adjusted to the dim condition of the room, Robin saw Raven sitting on her bed. Emboldened, he entered.

The room was a mess. Clothes were strewn around the bed, and there was a faint aroma that Robin usually associated with Beast Boy's room rather than Raven's. Her books, at least, looked neat and in order. That gave Robin some small amount of hope.

"I brought you some tea," he said, offering the cup.

She took it, but showed no interest in drinking it.

"You never meet me in the kitchen anymore," Robin said. "I miss our conversations."

"I haven't had much interest in conversation lately," she replied.

"You haven't had much interest in anything lately," he countered.

Raven said nothing which Robin took to be agreement.

"You don't hang out with us anymore, you don't meet me for tea, you don't go to your favorite stores... what does interest you now?"

Again, Raven remained silent.

Robin frowned.

"I'm your friend, aren't I? We always seemed to understand each other even when others didn't." Robin began pacing around the room. "I care about you, Raven, and what you're doing now isn't healthy."

"I'm-" raven started.

"You're fine," Robin interrupted. "Yeah, you keep saying."

Robin stopped his pacing in front of her bookshelf. As he looked over the various unfamiliar titles, it dawned on him that there was a fine layer of dust forming on the shelves. His worry grew. It wasn’t that she’d cared enough to put the books back neatly, she hadn't touched them at all.

"You haven't been reading while you've been up here alone?" He asked. "What have you been doing?"

"Nothing."

"Raven, Cyborg thinks you could undo the damage with a healing trance if you wanted.". Robin waited for a response, but was disappointed. "Is that true?"

"Probably," she replied.

“Then why don’t you?” he asked.

“It’s better this way.”

“No it isn’t, Raven,” he said. “You’re losing interest in all the things you loved. No amount of increased control can be worth this.”

“It isn’t just a matter of increased control, it’s also everyone’s safety,” she countered.

“We’re not in a safe profession. We all accept that. I think we’d all prefer a little less safety if it meant you were happy again.” He frowned, He wasn’t getting through to her. “Will you at least meditate on it?” he asked.

“I don’t meditate anymore,” she replied. “My control is perfect, and I don’t need to center myself to calm my emotions. It’s like...” She frowned a bit, and her brow knit in concentration. “It’s... like... searching the house for your car keys while knowing they’re in your hand. It’s foolish, and a waste of time.”

Robin stared at her, dumbfounded by the amount of effort it took her to make a simple simile.

“Please, Raven. We’re your friends. Consider it for us.”

He received no response, but didn’t really expect one anymore. Saddened, he turned and left, mug of tea still in her hands, cooling and untouched.

He trudged back to the common room, mind full of fears and questions. Is this really what would forever replace his friend? Would he never see that intelligent girl that he had occasionally matched wits with? Would he never enjoy their verbal sparring matches again? Would he never see warmth in her eyes again? Was that beautiful, strong girl now gone, replaced with this... shell?

He entered the common room to an array of expectant eyes. He sighed.

“I’m not sure what to do. We need to convince her, but we can’t appeal to emotion to do it. How do we logically prove the need for emotion?” he asked no one in particular.

Both Cyborg’s and Starfire’s eyes became distant as they thought about the problem.

“Heh, that’s no problem,” Beast Boy piped up. “I’ll just show her how much fun she’s missing!”

Robin groaned, knowing this was the beginning of a week of madcap antics that were doomed to failure. Seeing the sparkle in Cyborg’s and Starfire’s eyes, however, he revised his opinion. Maybe they needed this more than Raven did. Still, it was going to be a long week.

“Titans, go!” Robin cried.

The battle began.

Johnny Rancid mugged, swaggered, and taunted them as he leapt around the crumbling, partly demolished building. Unfortunately for the punk rocker, the crumbled masonry and brickwork offered a plethora of ammunition for the former empath, giving Raven’s newly acquired accuracy ample opportunity to display itself.

Even so, the battle was slow going. The crumbling walls and maze of hallways provided cover for the foe even in the face of Raven’s concrete hailstorm.

Still, between brick missiles, thrown punches and swiped claws, and starbolts and sonic blasts, Johnny couldn’t dodge forever. Inevitably a blow was struck here or there, and with each blow, Johnny slowed, making the next that much more assured.

Finally, bruised, and substantially quieter, Johnny halted his running, too fatigued to carry on any more. Robin smiled mirthlessly at the pending victory, until he saw a section of concrete wall move, black energy crackling around it.

“Raven, what are you doing?” he asked. The wall continued to weaken.

“Raven, stop it. Stop! Raven, STOP!”  
Words failing to have any effect on Raven, Robin switch tactics.  
“Cyborg, the wall! Stop it!”

The section finally came loose, and fell. Just before crushing the punk, Cyborg let loose a sonic blast, shattering the chunk of concrete. The concussion wave and shrapnel pummeled Johnny, flattening him. Robin ran to make sure he was still alive. He was bloodied, but Robin found a pulse, which carried on strongly.

“Raven, what the heck was that? That stunt could have killed him!” he demanded.

She looked at him with dead eyes. He stared back. Just as he had given up on receiving an answer, she spoke.

“He needed to be stopped from escaping. Being buried under rubble was an efficient way of stopping him,” she said.

“You could have killed him!” Robin cried.

“That would have also prevented him from escaping.”

Robin gaped at her in horror.

“Raven, what... I mean, why... what... how could you...” Robin was too shocked to form complete thoughts. He shook his head ruefully.

He looked around, wondering if the others felt as horrified as he did.

There was no warning when the second attack came. Johnny, coming to and seeing an opportunity, lunged at the closest Titan, which happened to be Robin.

Robin whirled, placing himself in a fighting stance and ready to counter. He needn’t have bothered. After two steps Johnny staggered and fell to his knees, clutching his chest. His face began turning grey, and he seemed to be having trouble breathing.

A realization washed over Robin. A terrible, horrific, dreadful realization which quickly turned to certainty.

“Raven, what are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m pinching his aorta.” she replied calmly.

“Stop it. Stop it now. You’re killing him.”

“Yes” came the only reply.

Not trusting the ‘yes’ to be a response to his order, Robin pulled a birdarang from his belt, and flicked it at his friend.

The ‘rang stopped in mid air, black aura surrounding it and holding it a foot from Raven’s face. She turned to Robin with a mild expression of disappointment. It was then the world exploded.

Blind, and half deaf, Robin managed, unsteadily, to stand. His ears rang, and stars danced in front of his eyes. Using the flash-bang was a calculated risk, but it seemed to have worked. Being the only one to know what was coming, he’d tried to shield himself as best as possible as it went off, but there was little he could do in the face of the concussive wave. He looked around, seeing only blurry shapes. A grayish lump he assumed was Cyborg was hovering over a greenish smear that could only be Beast Boy. His eyes cleared, and the ringing quieted slightly, but not enough to hear what was going on. A hand on his shoulder startled him. He turned to see Starfire looking at him worriedly. She appeared to be unharmed. Robin saw her mouth move, but heard nothing. He shook his head and pointed at his ears.

“I can’t hear yet,” he said. He hoped he wasn’t shouting like a fool.

He staggered over to Johnny. He was breathing. That was enough for Robin.

He lurched over to where Raven was lying. Her face was badly burned, but she was breathing, and there were no other obvious signs of injury.

A retching sound let him know he could hear again.

He looked and saw Cyborg protectively standing over Beast Boy, who was on all fours, dry heaving.

“You ok, Beast Boy?”

“Dude, warn a guy when you’re gonna do that. I got sensitive ears, ya know?” he said.

“Sorry. There wasn’t time. You good to leave?” Robin asked the green teen.

Beast Boy pulled himself to his feet.

“Yeah, I’m good”

“Cyborg, get the car. Star, get Raven. We’re out of here.”

“What do you want to do about him?” Cyborg asked, indicating Johnny.

Robin looked at the unconscious crook. He frowned.

“Let the police deal with him. We’ve got bigger problems.”

Before too long they were back at the tower, hovering around Raven, still unconscious, and laying on a bed in the med bay/infirmary.

“She’s in bad shape, Robin.” Cyborg said. “It’s not the flash-bang either. I mean, she’s burned from the grenade, but that’ll heal. She’s weak. It doesn’t look like she’s been eating enough, or taking care of herself. The flash-bang was just the trigger. Now it’s all catching up with her.”

“What are we going to do, Robin?” asked Starfire.

“She straight up tried to murder Johnny Rancid!” Cyborg said. “We can’t have Titans out killing people.”

“I know,” Robin said.

“Dude, we can’t kick her out! She’s got nowhere else to go!” Beast Boy countered.

“I know,” Robin said again.

“What happens if we can’t stop her next time? What does that mean for us?” Cyborg asked.

“We can’t turn our backs on our friend,” Starfire pleaded.

“I know, I KNOW!” Robin said, interrupting the next argument.

There was silence as the Titans looked to Robin for guidance.

“What are we going to do, Robin?” asked Starfire in a quiet voice.

Robin stared at Raven. It was like he was seeing her for the first time. She was thin, thinner than he’d ever seen her. Her hair was stringy and unkempt from obvious neglect. It was also longer than he’d ever seen, barring the transformation accompanying the Trigon incident. Robin realized there was also a definite odor surrounding her.

His friends were looking to him for direction.

“I’m going to weigh all the factors, and make a decision.” he said, taking charge. “Now excuse me. I have to take a walk.”

He turned and left the infirmary without looking back. He walked without really paying attention to where he was going. He just needed the physical activity to help clear his mind. Faster and faster he walked up and down hallways in the tower, until he was nearly at a run.

Realizing the absurdity of the situation, he stopped and got his bearings.

He was outside Raven’s room.

On an impulse, he tried the door. She no longer cared enough to keep her door locked. He walked in.

The room was a disaster. Dirty clothes were on the floor surrounding the bed, and the funk in the air was oppressive. Everything that was not clothes or bed was disused and dusty.

Robin walked toward the bed, trying to ignore the smell. The mug of tea he’d brought to her how many weeks ago was sitting on her night stand, still untouched. Its existence saddened Robin more than he thought possible.

He turned to leave, and saw it.

The mirror.

Beast Boy and Cyborg told him the story of entering the mirror and meeting Raven’s emotions. How could they not? They never passed up the chance to tell a good story. Even though they’d invaded her privacy, something Robin would never do, he was a little jealous that they got to see that side of her. It was something they shared, that he never would.

Meeting her emotions.

Maybe.

Maybe?

Robin walked to the mirror, and placed his hand on its surface. The mirror rippled like water. Doubt and hope warring within him, Robin pushed into the mirror...

...and landed in Hell.

It was a wasteland.

Sand bearing wind whipped around him, scouring his skin. He pulled his cape close, trying to protect himself from the relentless attack. His face and hands stung, and his eyes watered.

He was alone in an absolute waste. There was nothing as far as the eye could see in any direction but sand and sky. The sky was purple, making Robin think of dusk, or an oncoming storm.  
He pushed on forward, looking for some sign of life.

Here and there were dead trees, stripped of anything resembling life. Around them, Robin occasionally saw skeletons of birds. They were bright white, and pitted from the constant buffeting of the sand. It chilled Robin to think they were likely Ravens.

He pushed onward.

The stinging on his exposed skin became a burning. He adjusted his cape to try to cover more skin. He passed more dead trees and scoured skeletons. There seemed to be nothing else.

Just as hope threatened to abandon him, he noticed something new in the distance. A Stonehenge looking ring stood there, completely out of place in the barren waste.

He trudged closer, curious.

He stopped, realizing what he was looking at. He dropped to his knees and sobbed.

There, before him, the ring of stones sat silently, but the stones weren’t merely elongated boulders. They were Ravens. Each one a statue of Raven, shocked, angry, or terrified expression on their faces. They were her emotions, now petrified, and eroding in the endless sandstorm. Grooves were forming on their surface where the wind whipped over them.

There was no hope, Robin realized. Their friend was dead.  
Robin stepped out of the mirror. His skin still burned, but the physical pain was inconsequential in comparison to the emotional. He tried to blink the tears out of his eyes as he walked to the door.

He stopped. The door was blocked.

Raven stood in the doorway.

Robin didn’t even look at her.

“Going to yell at me for invading your privacy?” he asked.

“No.” she replied.

Robin scoffed.

“Of course not. You actually have to care about something to yell.”

He finally managed to look at her face. She was upright, but didn’t look any better. Her face was still burned, and she was still gaunt and pale.

Guilt and disgust warred within him.

“Get out of my way, you... doll, you empty shell.” he snarled.

She didn’t move.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY!” he shouted. “God, I can’t believe I ever mistook you for Raven.”

She held her ground, brown knit with mild confusion.

“I am Raven,” she said.

“You’re not Raven. You’re nothing like her. I mean, look at you!”  
Guilt, frustration, bitterness, and sadness boiled up within him, mixing and forming into some sort of directionless rage.  
He grabbed her, and pushed her in front of the mirror, forcing her to look at her reflection.

“Just look at yourself! You’re nothing like her! She was beautiful and strong, intelligent, and she cared about her friends even when she had trouble showing it. You’re ugly and weak. You contribute nothing, and you care about nothing.”

“No, I’m Raven. I’m better this way.”

“Why, because of your control? What good is it? What do you care enough to protect?” he demanded.

These words actually seemed to have an effect on the gaunt, pale witch.

“I... I.... No. It’s better this way. Safer for everyone. Besides, as long as everyone is safe, what difference should it make to you?”

“What difference does it make?” he repeated incredulously. “What difference?!? I love her!”

He even shocked himself with the admission.

“We talked, and shared parts of ourselves that nobody else saw. We understood each other when no one else seemed to. She helped me when I thought I was losing my mind, and was seeing Slade everywhere. She protected me when Trigon destroyed everything else, and I would die to bring her back! But you. You aren’t her. You aren’t a Titan. You don’t belong here.”

He stopped, breathless and despairing.

Surprisingly, she looked troubled.

“Wait,” she said as she walked past him.

She pulled a leather bound book off one of her bookshelves. She set the book on a worktable, and leafed through the book until she reached her destination.

“What is that?” Robin asked.

“Before the ‘accident’ I kept a journal. Once a year I would copy important thoughts or moments into this archive. It marks what I thought were important moments in my life. This particular entry was from when I joined the Titans. I remember how profound it seemed to me when I wrote it, and again when I copied it, but now its meaning escapes me. I read the words, but they make no sense,” she said, tracing the words with her fingers.

She paused and looked at Robin, leaving the book open on the table.

“You realize that entering a healing trance is no guarantee I’ll be healed like you want,” she said.

The turn of the conversation completely threw Robin.

“Uh... huh? Uh, yeah. I understand,” he managed to get out.

Without another word, Raven left.

Robin stood there in her room, feeling awkward. He wasn’t sure if he should wait, or go back to the others. She’d said nothing about what she expected, or how long she would be gone.

He looked around the room for a few minutes. It reeked in the room. He opened a window to let in fresh air. A breeze wafted in, rustling papers. The paper brought his attention back to the book; the leather bound journal.

Robin walked to the book. It was a massive tome, with heavy weight vellum pages, and careful, measured writing within. The breeze was not enough to move it’s heavy vellum sheets, so it was still showing the passage Raven had referred to. Did she left the book open so he would read, or because she didn’t care enough to put it away?

Not knowing what else to do, Robin read.

I’ve accepted the invitation to join the ‘Teen Titans’ against my better judgement. Teen Titans. It would be silly if they weren’t so earnest. All of them are determined to save the world.

Part of me wonders if it’s largely a reaction to living in other’s shadows. They’re calling themselves ‘Titans’ which were enemies of the Olympian gods. Is this an unconscious reaction to interacting with and living with gods among men? Robin, in particular, is an interesting case of this. Living under Batman’s shadow, and having met Superman (He met Superman! Met and talked too!! ♡), has a lot to live up to. Are they all trying to prove themselves worthy of recognition of the Olympians?

Are they that desperate to prove themselves? Perhaps they’re just what I need.

A noise woke Robin from his immersement. He looked up from the tome which he had unconsciously picked up and cradled, and looked to the door.

There stood Raven, an inscrutable expression on her face. It looked... disgusted? Angry? Her face was stony, making it hard to discern, but there was a definite undercurrent that Robin couldn’t quite pin down.

“Out.” she said.

“Raven! I’m sorry I’m reading your book. I didn’t mean to pry-” he blurted out in panic.

“Out now.” she reinforced.

Robin scurried out of the room, completely forgetting the tome still in his arms. Raven appeared not to notice, as the door zipped shut behind him. He stared at the door stupidly for a moment, mind racing, wondering what it could mean. Did she perform the healing trance? Had it worked? Had it not?

He looked down, and saw the book still in his arms, clasped protectively to his chest.

Shrugging to himself, feeling like the taboo was already broken, and unwilling to leave before seeing what caused Raven’s rapid return, he sank to the ground cross-legged, and continued reading.

I will join them. They may be naive, and young, but they are hopelessly sincere. Robin, who is taking the lead in this little venture, is an interesting example of this, and indicative of the intentions of the team. Having worked with Batman, and considering his past, I would have expected him to be realistic to the point of pessimism, but I find little similarity between him and his mentor. Instead, I find him brave, idealistic, kind, and rather dashing, in a mischievous sort of way.

The others follow similar trends. They have all suffered tragedies, and none of them have had anything resembling a normal childhood (except maybe for Cyborg, and well, Cyborg). They seemed to be united in the goal of preventing the kinds of things that created them. It is an odd dichotomy. They were forged in tragedy, given strength to overcome strife, and gaining powers that place them above ordinary people. As a result, they want to prevent the very kinds of tragedies which made them who they are, preventing the creation of more like them.

On the surface it almost sounds like a power play, preventing rivals from existing. Having spoken with all of them, I understand better. They are trying to prevent the loss of innocence they experienced and regret. They want others to have the warmth of family they never did, to have the happy childhood they always wanted.

Perhaps that is why I belong with them. Maybe these Titans can understand me the way no one else has.

Belonging. Can I really belong anywhere? It’s frightening and thrilling to think so.

I think I will be happy here.

Robin closed the book, musing on the entry he read. He remembered those early days, as everyone was trying to feel each other out, and find their place in the group. It took some experimenting, and a lot of learning. This is how she really felt?

The door opened in front of him.

Robin hopped to his feet, legs feeling tingly and slightly numb.

Raven stood in the doorway, dressing in something Robin had never seen. She wore a loose, rather baggy off-white linen shirt, which hung billowy off her skinny frame. The pants she wore were of the same material, but were not quite so baggy as the shirt, though they were hardly form-fitting.

Robin finally got up the nerve to look at her face.

There was warmth in her eyes, and a small smile on her face. Her hair was damp, and hung loosely around her head.

“Sorry about chasing you out,” she said. “I don’t remember the last time I showered, and that leotard was ready to walk away on its own. I think most of them need to be burned rather than laundered. In fact,” her nose wrinkled, “I think the whole room could use some cleansing fire.”

“Raven...” Robin whispered, almost unwilling to believe his eyes.  
“So, it worked?” he said, finding his voice.

She looked at him with those warm expressive eyes, and nodded. Robin was almost lost in them, and wondered how he had never realized how much they communicated. Windows to the soul, indeed.

“I will probably need a few more times to make sure, but yeah, I’m better.” she said.

The word ‘better’ may Robin wince a bit.  
This did not escape Raven’s notice.

“Sorry, I meant I’ve healed.”

She stepped towards him, and gently pulled the book from his grasp.

“Sorry...” he managed.

Raven shook her head.

“I’m sort of glad you read it. This book holds the important moments in my life. Joining the Titans was a frightening decision for me, but it’s something I’d never change. I don’t think any of us could have predicted the things we’d see or do... but even disregarding that, I never thought I’d ever find a place where I felt like I belonged.”

Raven dropped her eyes, and her face colored. She rolled her head, and hair partially covered her face.

She stepped in closer.

“As for what you said...” she left hanging.

Robin was confused, and a little panicked.

“Uh... um... what I said?”

Raven moved in even closer. Their bodies were almost, but not quite touching. Robin could smell her, clean, and freshly showered. It was a sweet smell of soap and scented shampoo.

“Yes, those words you said. Those three little words.”  
Her face was still obscured, but Robin could see her cheeks burning.

Those three little words? I love... oh... OH!

Robin felt his own cheeks catch fire, and his chest began pounding.

“Uh... Raven, about that...” he began.

“No,” Raven said. “Don’t try taking it back. Not after it saved me. Not after all I put you through.”

An eye peeked through the strands of hair, capturing his.

“Besides,” she said, “after a few weeks, after I’ve had a chance to heal some more, and get used to being me again, who knows? I might have something similar to tell you.”

She stepped back, and turned, walking down the hallway.

“So, do we have anything to eat around here? I’m starving!”


End file.
